Letter to my Future Self from the Pandemic
I don’t know how you’ll remember this:
Margaux being out of school,
working from home
after not working for 7 years.
But will you remember that what I miss most
is going to Trader Joes in the morning,
drinking a tiny cup of coffee, browsing
the new items, how when my daughter’s
beloved principal was shot
one of the employees gave me
yellow and orange flowers and a hug.
Now there’s a line down the block,
tape telling us where to stand.
Will you remember running into Rachel Lee?
How she bought a white orchid
every Tuesday, and once
talked you into buying fresh artichokes?
I’ve been going to Safeway, when the aisles
are long and empty. Filling my cart
strange things:
pearled barley, Kryptonite ice cream,
a black velvet notebook encrusted with bright jewels.
Dying in the Time of COVID
Tomorrow I will again get on Zoom,
hold the camera towards my children
and let my children
hold the chickens who are
at that awkward age, not chicks,
but adolescents,
with feathers coming in but also still
fluff as well, and show them
to my grandma on a screen,
who is dying, not of this thing
we are all scared of,
but of being 96, fluid filling her lungs.
Tomorrow I will drive an hour,
if I’m free of fever, I’ll don a mask
and suit, but will I be able to touch
her hand one last time, if through gloves.
Last night we called her on Zoom,
The whole gaggle of us.
She kept asking where we were,
she could not remember all her children,
but asked me to go upstairs
so she could see my children sleep.
I tried, but the lights were off.
The screen was black.
Death in the Time of COVID
Because I could not hold the pale petal of her hand,
I bought a purple rose and planted it in my mom’s garden.
Because I could not hug my mom, we sat in opposite,
corners her living room, searching for photos of our dead
on Ancestry.com, sharing our computer screens through Zoom.
Because I’m crying, my 3-year-old asks why. When I say I miss
my grandma he says, “But we can visit her grave.”
I hug his small body, and hope he remembers
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